Cooking with Enoby [ONESHOT]

through-the-dark Epic Productions is glad to present to you..."Cooking with Enoby", an amazing culinary one-shot based on My Immortal - starring Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, Draco Malfoy and Vampire Potter, with cameo appearances from Britney the prep, Raven/Willow, Prof. Trevolry, Dumblydore, Volxemort, Snap and Loopin.

*Helena by MCR starts playing. On the screen, in black goffik writing are the words "Cooking with Enoby". Blood is pouring from the last word like a fountain. The screen fades, the song ends and we see the protagonists behind the counter - Egogy in the middle with Draco and Vampire next to her.*

- Okay, so for all u cool goffik fans out there, this was a tribute! And special fangz to Raven who hleped me with da recipe! U rok! MCR ROX!, Enoby said sexily.

But then a young man with a lung brown bread (geddit, used for cooking) and a camera in his hands (ew, not in that way, like Snap and Loopin!) made the terrible mistake of reminding her to actually start saying the recipe.

- Camera man, are u a prep? U F...IN SUCK! F... U! she yelled angrily, while also putting her middle finger at him. She then continued:

- Anyways, let's do the f..ing recipe. So, today, I'm gong to...

- Enoby, said Draco sussdenly in a deprezzed voice, aren't you going to introduce us as well?

- What? she snapped. But then, Draco looked at her with his red contacts that revealed so much desire to be shown on the TV that she gave up.

- Anyways, here on my right is Draco Malfoy, he's such a f..ing sexbom! He has a really big you-know-what and everything, she added while frenching him. And this cool guy on my right is Vampire Potter, who looks SO much like Joel Madden, she said while frenching him as well. Anyways, today I'm gonna make a totally goffic stake, she said sadly. (what an alliteration, lol!)

- Isn't that supposed to be a steak? pleaded Britney the prep, who was tied next to the counter so that Enoby could torture her. But Ebnoy knew too much.

- NO! she roared. That's a STAKE. A steak is what u use to kill vampires, DUH! she shouted passively. Crookshanks! she screamed angirly. Suddenly, Hermione...I mean B'loody Mary's cat popped out of her wand and began scratching the poser. But then Enoby stopped even though she was a sadist.

She then went on:

- Sooo, all the ingredients and everything is written on this goffick parchment written with blood from Willow. Looks like we first need, uhm...Will you read it for me instead, Vampire? Plz! I begged.

- Okay, he said in a depressed but sexah voice that was filling the room. He'd have rather slit his wrists or suck blood from a Hufflepuff, but this could do, too. "First off all, we need a large piece of meat that has to be tenderized", he said.

- Do we have one? Draco asked worryingly.

- I just sucked blood from a cow last night. I think I still kept it somewhere. Yeah, here it is, Enoby, he said sadly and put the meat on the table. But how to tenderize it?

Enoby thought for a while...Den she had a brainstorm! She did a spell and then...Voldemprt appeared in there! Everyone gasped.

- Why do you bother me, you ridiculous fools! And then, seeing the three of them in the room, he remembered something: Oh, and *cough* Enoby, I told thou to kill Vampire Potter! If you don't, then I shalt kill thy...

- Okay, okay, but what about sum help? Why don't you step on the meat with your high heels to tenderize it and then I'll kill Vampire! she said statistically.

Vampire was so mad and sad, Vlodemort was glad and Draco called his dad. After da Barke Lord finished the job, Enoby did sum other spells and he disappeared back, much to Voldie and J. K. Rowling's dismay.

- OMFG, I can't believe that you said you wanted to kill me! Vampire said all depressed. But Enoby frenched him and everything was fine again. She also told him to keep reading.

- Looks like we also need thyme, garlic cloves, red wine and white wine, he said while random tears of blood began falling down his overly pallid face.

- Time? This looks so sophisticated! she screamed passively. Draco, do you know where we could find "time"?

He thought for a while, then gave Ebony a custom-made GC watch. Geddit, it shows time! Ebony was over-excited (yeah, in that way, you pervs!).

- We have garlic (it doesn't affect vampires, coz this is Ebonyland) Red wine - no, this looks preppy, so why don't we use blood instead? (Draco and Vampire are drooling at this point). And instea of white wine we'll just use some leftover Voldemortserum from Profffffesor Trevolry.

*Random Prof. Trelawney appearance*

- Konnichiwa, bich. Here's da Voldemortserum.

- Ok thanks bich. See ya!

*Random Prof. Trelawney disappearance*

- Let's watch Corpse Bride! Draco suggested depressedly.

Enoby and Vampire agreed, but a crewman reminded them they had a recipe to finish. Guess what he got from them. Then, Enoby got bored and decided to read it herself.

- And now we're tilling each of the cloves off...

Vampire giggled. Draco went all warm, kind of like an erection, only he's a boy, so he did get one, you sicko. (Comment is not originally mine, but I found it so awesome that I wanted to spread it).

- Then...ah, this is so f...ing boring, I'm just gonna mix all the stuff in there and put in in the oven.

So Enoby put in a tray: Draco's GC watch, blood, Voldemortserum, garlic and the steak tenderized with Volfemort's heels.

- Is there anything else, Vampira? she asked all depressed.

- Well, there is something in a different handwriting, but I ignored it because it looks preppy. It says "fangz (preferably basilisk ones)".

Enoby thought for a good 1 second then said: "It if says fangz, then...(looking at camera) Okay, Fangz!". Now let's get it on! (No, Ebony has no idea that this means something else in fact...but it represents her very well). She then put everything in the oven, selected a temperature of 666 degrees then turned it on. Apparently, this also caused everyone to be turned on as well and since the meat would be done in a long time, they just decided to do it sexily in front of the cameras (she had said it wuz ok b4). And Britney the prep was forced to watch!

But then, they heard a loud voice saying:

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHERFUKERS"!

It was...Yep, Dumbledore. But this time he also had Snap and Loopin with him.

- You ridiculous dimwit! Snap demeaned angrily.

Epilogue: Dumblydore took the three and all the crewmen with him to Professor McGoogle and Professor McYahoo, while Snap and Loopin sacredly stole the stake so they could masticate to it later on. Dumblydore yelled all girly for a while, then he let them go and had the crew redecorate the Grate Hall. And a million years afterwards, when archaeologists discovered the room, they also found a strange mumified body of a girl all dressed in preppy clothes and tied in front of the counter whom everyone had forgotten about. Aaand, Enoby never realised that the last ingredient was written by a different person, say through-the-dark, who just wanted her to put basilisk fangz in the steak so it would be full of poison and so the world would get rid of them. Close enough.