My Immortal - Nerd Version Chapter 12

AN: Stop #FLAMING (geddit, like in Twitter), ok? Hagrid isn't a gourmet too, HaRgrid is! A lot of people in Romanian schools are like that and I wanted to address the issue! How do you know Snap isn't a cereal? Plus, Hargrid isn't really in love with Elise, that was Cedric who just rose from the dead for this fanfic, ok?

I was about to open my fanfiction account again with the laptop that Drago, some random guy, had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I didn't even know who this Drago was! Well, free laptops FTW!

"NO!" I thought it a hairy clone of Hagrid named Hairgrid but it was Calculator. He started to scream in binary, "0001110101! 101010101! 101010100001110!". That could be roughly translated as: "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!", for the preps and goths who don't understand binary.

And then... his eyes rolled up! You could only see his white whites.

I stopped. "How did you know? Do you have pain-sensitive receptors?"

"I do! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do, but iPhone changed it into a heartagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation," he said back. "Anyway, my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco...Shakespeare has him bondage! And he's doing kinky stuff with him while playing S&M by Rihanna!"

Anyway, I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my excessive commenting on terrible fanfiction. Snap and Lupin and HAHRID, a new clone, were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were gourmets and their addiction to steaks could only be treated with a mango-only diet. Also, you can't have those fucking food-lovers teaching in a school with lots of nerdy girls.  Dumbledore had constipated the video camera they took of me naked and was now spending lots of time in the restroom. I thought he should go to St. Mango's too and try their diet - after all, mangoes have fiber and that helps with … such problems. I put up my Advanced Organic Chemistry book at them.

Anyway, Hargrid came to my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Edise, I need to tell you something." he said in a very serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off," I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps and goths like you," I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being nerdy.

"No, Edise," Hargrid said. "Those are not roses."

"What, are they weeds, you poser gourmet?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. Why pink of all colours??

"I saved your life!" he yelled angrily.

"No, you didn't," I replied.

"I saved you from getting a "Psycho" fan-video made from your shower scene and being viewed by Snap and Lupin. Who MASTICATED to it," he added silently. Except for the MASTICATED word. That hadn't been silent.

"Whatever!" I yelled all girly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." And before I had the chance to remind him he was forbidden to use his wand, he suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered "Rip Out the wings of a Butterfly for yoUR SOUL!"

"That's not a spell, that's an HIM song. Also, the caps were out of place," I corrected him, like the smartass that I was.

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes. And I really don't care about what letters I capitalise."

Then he screamed, "Petulus merengo hisi infernalli majestio (for all you cool nerdy, Finnish-band-lovers, HIM fans out there, that is a tribute!) wingso ofo ao butterflyo!"

(AN: I can't believe I just butchered my favourite band and song's name like that. Ah, the things I do for fanfiction...)

And then the roses turned into a huge deep blue flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was deep blue. I repeated that because it's an awesome colour. Now I knew he wasn't a prep or a goth.

"OK, I believe you now, where the fuck is Draco?"

Hargrid rolled his eyes. He probably didn't like the f- word. I looked into the balls of flame but I couldn't see anything besides random blue fire.

"U c, Elisse," Dumblydore (who had just come in to suit my fanfic writing purposes) said, watching the two of us watching the flame (geddit, watching-ception), "2 c wht iz n da flmes (HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

What?

It took me a few minutes to process that chatspeak and understand what cryptical message had Dumbles been trying to send to me. He had said something along the lines of "to see what is in the flames, you must find yourself first", also mentioning some reviewers in the process. Had he found out about my fanfiction account? Didn't know Dumbles was a hacker. But, well, I also didn't know he understood chatspeak. Strange.

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF, OK, YOU MEAN OLD MAN?" Hargrid yelled.

Uh, wasn't Dumblydore talking to me? Why did Hargrid reply instead? Suddenly, a weird impulse seized me and I gasped. I had the feeling I'd do that pretty often in the future.

Dumblydore looked shocked. I guess he wasn't Samuel L. Jackson or else he would have said something back. Which would have been funny.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "You're a liar, Prof. Dumbledore!"

Whoa. So Hairy Hairgrid also has his moments of badassery.

Anyway, when I got better, I went upstairs and put on the first clothes I found because of reasons. I dyed my hair brown so I looked like Hermione from the Harry Potter (if you don't know who she is, what are you doing here in the first place?) and I put on nothing more.

"Anata wa kawaii desu," B'loody Mary said sadly. "10x (geddit) you do too." I said sadly too, because I didn't know enough Japanese to give a proper reply. I opened both my fanfiction accounts feeling like writing parodies and I read all of a certain badfic called My Immortal. I cried again in my bathroom because it was so terrible and put the shades on so Snap and Lupin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire claimed to be in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures, but I knew he was a liar, because there was no such class at Hogwarts. There was a Hair of Magical Muggle Creatures one, though, where you learned how to brush the hair of creatures both magical and muggle. He had a low battery level because Draco had disappeared and he had used to solve differential equations with Draco. He was playing chess with a Hufflepuff.

"Hi." he said in a bored way. "Hi back." I said in an equally bored way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful blue nerdy eyes so much like Draco's. Then... we jumped on each other and started screwing … lightbulbs.

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY ELECTRICIANS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us through her goggles and so was everyone else.

"Calculator, you fucker!" I said, slapping him. "Stop trying to screw the lightbulb. You know you must first turn the power off, otherwise you get electrocuted!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!", for the preps and goths who don't understand binary.

And then... his eyes rolled up! You could only see his white whites.

I stopped. "How did you know? Do you have pain-sensitive receptors?"

I realised this scene had happened before, but I felt powerless to stop the repetition. There must've been a glitch in the Matrix.

"I do! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do, but iPhone changed it into a heartagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation," he said back. "Anyway, my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco...Shakespeare has him bondage! And he's doing kinky stuff with him while playing S&M by Rihanna!"

Special 10x to Pidgeon, my nerdy fanfiction sister. WTF, you're supposed to write this!27182818284
Hey, Pidgeon, do you know where my sweater i -

ALERT: MESSAGE TERMINATED FOR EXCESSIVE NERDINESS.